I was a gentleman

You want apologies? Why? What am I supposed to say? To your parents: "I'm sorry that your daughter lied to me, broke my heart, made me feel worse than I have ever felt in my life"? I love them. I loved you. I gave everything I could to you. This is how I am repaid. Left in the cold while you start hanging out with your ex-boyfriend. I would apologize to him if I were sure of his intentions, and I'm not. I can't trust him, I can't even trust you anymore. I wish I could. What I did was a last resort, out of anger from seeing you two together my last night in town. You had to have known that it was coming. Why do you think I did it? To get back at you? To try and hurt you? No. I did it because I wanted someone on my side, someone important in your life. I wanted some understanding, and for you to see this with new eyes, to see the severity of the situation. You have no idea how hard this has been for me, I know you have apologized several times, but it's only when you see me, in person, and how miserable I am, to make yourself feel better. There hasn't been a day that has gone by in the last 2 months where I haven't thought about you. I've never felt before like I did with you, and I've also never felt like this either.

you know you're right

Only after it being mentioned to me and being an issue with my close friends have I realized that I come off as a jerk. I get close and comfortable with people and start to become this judgmental, arrogant, condescending asshole. She was right. She was right to start not liking things about me and push me away. I displayed this ugly, dark side of myself that is not attractive, and didn't even know I was doing it. I thought that I tried my best to make her happy and she still didn't appreciate it, but it was her that gave so much to me without recognition. She just wanted to love me, and always be there for me, yet I fought, argued, and always had to get my own way, never doing or appreciating what she liked or wanted to do. I screwed up big time and miss her an awful lot. I had no idea how blessed I certainly was until she left me. I would do anything for her and am prepared to do what it takes to change and become that sweet, caring, considerate person that I initially came off as. That is who I am. I am not an evil person who cares about no one but himself. That necklace looked far better hanging around her neck than it does around my rear view mirror.

dumb

Love makes you dumb. It makes you do dumb things. I've done some dumb things, some outright stupid things since we got together, good and bad. As of late, they've mostly been bad. I feel like I am in the right most of the time, only because I try to be reasonable and make sense of things. I love her, but cannot forgive her for what she's done. I am sorry that things became so fucked up, but I will not apologize for my actions. I gave you everything I could, and yet you treated me terribly and lied to me. This last thing I've done maybe a little over the edge, but it was my last resort. I was extra angry with her this last week. I want them to know, to be on my side, and for her to see all this in a new light. I do appreciate Laura, Sammie, and Chris for being there to listen, agree with me on the issues, and be on my side. No matter what I do or say, no one can see what I have seen over the course of our relationship, not even she. It just slowly trailed off, she stopped tickling me, poking me, laughing at my jokes, wanting to be around, wanting to kiss me, wanting to say "I love you", yet we continued to have sex. All it was anymore was sex, because we still were attracted to each other and liked it. It was a lie. It was empty. That is how she wronged me. The lies. What did you want out of this? What did you want from me? Maybe you got everything you needed out of me and then you were done.

starlight

I swear she's intentionally trying to hurt me at this point. All I was doing was ushering a show so that I could see it before I left, and he had to be there. He brought her flowers and she was happy to see him and was very close to him. I tried to ignore him, but she just had to show that affection towards him and it looked like she kissed him. He was around the entire time after the show, and even when I had to come back, they were in front of her car, doing god knows what. Meanwhile, she was completely ignorant of me and my feelings, just like she was on my birthday. It doesn't make any sense why she would do that, continue to hurt me like that. She told me that all she wanted was to be alone and then she goes and pulls this, letting him get close again and pull his shit. I'm sure that was all just another lie, they're probably fooling around, which is completely unfair, seeing as he broke up with her and treated her like shit, and she broke up with me and I still love her so much, more than he or anyone else could. I feel like just a filler while they figured things out together. Why would she avoid "leading me on" so much and let him be around all the time and want to see him? She says that they're just friends and that nothing is going on, but I know that it is the same situation, if he had the chance with her again, he would take it immediately. Of course she wasn't wearing the necklace tonight, why should she? She doesn't care about me anymore. That was a symbol of our love, and giving her my heart, which she proceeded to play around with and eventually kick to the curb. I was there tonight, sitting on the playground where we once sat together, talking about our lives, in love with each other. Love? Love is a strong word that has no relevance in this situation. She chose to use it first, and that was a mistake. Many things she said and did were a mistake, pushing on to satisfy her own lustful and selfish needs. I am tired. I'm tired of putting my heart out there, only to have it cooked medium-well and swallowed whole. I've been pushed around and shit on my entire life, and I'm sick of it. I'm done. Finished. People can pull whatever they want, and I won't be around to accept the consequences.

walking after you

I love you. I know nobody's perfect, but I look at you, and that's exactly what I see. I see perfection, because I love you. Because you were so good to me, gave me everything, and you have everything I could ever ask for, I see you as perfect. The best thing that has ever happened to me. You know how good it was and how good I was to you, and you became frightened. You chose to run when things got tough, like it wasn't worth fighting for. It was too difficult for you, so you started making ridiculous excuses to get out of it, saying things about me that have made me out to be some terrible person, when you know that I am not. Every new reason you give makes me feel worse and worse. I have never hurt you or intended to hurt anyone else. You may have wanted a clean break, and may have been doubtful for some time, but it is at my expense. You cannot even begin to imagine how miserable and confused I have felt for the last 2 months. You are not that innocent, 14 year-old girl anymore. You are an adult. Running when it gets hard is selfish and not the behavior of an adult. Grow up. I thought you had grown with each previous relationship, but then you just revert back to a classic state of confusion and uncertainness. Sure, you still have some time to figure yourself out and enjoy college life, but I am finished, ready to go out and start my life. I used my remaining time here building up a relationship with a fantastic woman whom I cared about deeply, and it's not fair to me to just be dropped right before I leave. What am I supposed to do? "Go on and live your life" is easier said than done. I will be alone for the rest of my life if I have to. Not because I think I have to, but by choice. I know who you were and what we had, and I am not letting that go, I am not going to settle for less. Building something with anyone else would be, I guarantee it. If you no longer have any intention of embracing what we once had, and what we shared together, then I hope you feel good about yourself when you're ready to do it all again and fuck the next guy over. It's not worth it, continuing to hurt yourself and others for your own needs. Was I not enough? Could I not satisfy you? I could've sworn I did for 7 months.

I give up

As expected, my birthday was shitty. No one hardly called me. No one hardly showed up. She wasn't there at all. I love and miss her tremendously. She didn't even bother to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't even get a glimpse of the single thing I wanted for my birthday. What does it matter? My birthday is not important anyway. I am not happy anymore and feel like just giving up on everything. I don't know why I keep coming back here. I just wish that I could forget her and everything she's done to me. I will be moving out for good next weekend and she'll never have to see or hear from me again. I know that is what she wants, which kills me inside.

cursed

This is my dilemma. People see me and and see something great. I am attractive and make a good first impression usually. I have this potential. Since she broke up with me, three women have fallen for me. They like me because I am funny and not afraid to express myself. It's hard because I only want one, and she is not available. Even if someone does like me, I must keep my distance, if I get too close, I will put them off and push them away. I don't know what it is, but it always seems to happen to me. I am a dangerous person to be with. I want something that is not there. It would've been ill-advised to pursue the first two women, due to friendships and mixed feelings, but this last one could show some promise. It was confusing and unexpected. She's been my friend for some time, and was always very supportive of me. Despite what happened between us, I am not yet ready. I do like her, and she is incredibly nice, friendly, and affectionate, but I don't want to get into something that I am not ready for, and don't want to hurt her.

In other news, I am still miserable. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I plan to be alone for quite a while, by design and by choice. I am in a weird place right now. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I want only one thing.

and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

I miss her so much. I was in love with her, I'm still in love with her. I don't know why we broke up in the first place. What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I satisfy her? Why couldn't it be fixed? I don't understand if she thinks about the good times we had together and saying that if she could do it all over again that she would, why we cannot continue that. She was once enamored with me, thought everything of me, could not find a single vice. I always felt the same way. Why doesn't the good outweigh the bad? Why was there bad in the first place? Of course I think about the good times and appreciate that. But thinking about them only makes it worse. I would give anything to be able to hold her again, feel her again, kiss her again. I was ready. Appreciating her for who she was, creating that emotional and physical attachment, sticking with it, and her being all I needed makes me mature. I had grown. I don't want it to have just been an example, a test, a learning experience. I feel that I am a great person, and can't understand why she can't accept me anymore. I was driving home last night, when Long December came on, and I lost it. I was balling. It reminded me of her, I can't turn around without being bombarded with memories of her. They're haunting me to my very soul.

she's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

Why do people fall in love? How do people suddenly fall out of love? I had it all. We had it all. We felt so perfect together that is scared me sometimes. We shared everything with one another. I had never felt that way with anyone before. I was completely in love. Probably for the very first time. Now I know what it feels like. I didn't mean to have her have such an impact on my life, but I really did lose myself in her. With her, I felt comfortable, I could be myself and she would welcome it. She was so enamored with me for a time and thought I was just amazing. It was all so spectacular that I thought it was too good to be true. She was always so encouraging, inspiring, and wonderful to me. She was my everything, and all I wanted to do was give her the best and make her happy. After all, that's all she did for me. I had never thought about a future with anyone before, yet being with her gave me the confidence to see marriage, beautiful and intelligent children, and a perfect life together. Despite what has happened, I still think that she is a wonderful, beautiful person, and regardless of what I say or do, I will always love her. I wouldn't act out so much if I didn't care so much. She was everything I could ever have wanted and more. I realize that now. I don't think that I knew what I had or appreciated it enough. We worked so well that I didn't have to worry about it. It seems like all she did was worry and have doubts about us. I don't know why. All I was was kind and generous to her, trying to stay a complete gentleman and be there for her all the time. Obviously she saw great things in me at first, but gradually started to see some things that she did not like about me, which is fine, but knowing that they weren't able to be worked on, leads me to believe that she was literally searching for perfection, and I am sorry but I cannot be that. No one can. I saw great potential this summer, being able to see her at night, going out with all of our friends, spending birthdays together, taking a trip to Kansas City, and even possibly being engaged by the end of it. Instead, we separated. It is the complete opposite of what I expected. I feel so cold and lost now, alone.

She's alone.
And I'm alone.
Now I know it.

if you cross me, you will be punished, it's as simple as that

Why the hell should I continue to love and care for someone that just threw me away, lied to me for I don't know how long, and basically used me to help herself out? I'm tired of being nicer and nicer, trying to come back, only for you to drift further and further away. I have finally seen you for who you really are. You're a liar, a coward, a double-crosser, selfish, judgmental, and you are too damn emotional and confused half the time to give yourself to anyone. I'm sorry we wasted our time for 8 months. I'll just stay pissed off and exceedingly depressed until I die or kill myself. I do miss the old Kathleen Wenzlick. You are not her. Kathleen Wenzlick is dead to me. I will no longer care for anyone new or create an emotional attachment ever again. Thank you for ruining my summer, and who I am. I am heartless. Goodbye.