Ca Ira

I miss the clomp of your shoes on the way up the stairs to my apartment. I miss the sound of that door opening when you come in. I miss sitting on the couch, holding you, watching a movie. I miss staring into those deep, blue eyes of yours. I miss having dinner with you while at work. I miss going to movies with you. I miss going out with your family. I miss staying over at your parents' house. I miss you coming in to see me in the bookstore. I miss coming by to visit you in the shop. I miss the feel of my arm around you as we slept. I miss treating you like a queen. I miss lying in your bed and watching movies. I miss giving you back massages. I miss the heat and passion we once shared. I miss the way we used to tease each other. I miss the sweet messages you used to leave late at night. I miss kissing you goodnight, and goodbye in the morning. I miss taking walks together. I miss the way you wouldn't let me get off of instant messager. I miss the multiple phone calls a day while we were apart. I miss how you were so excited to see me after a long period of time. I miss you.

this is it

I am finished attacking and berating you. I am sorry for a great deal of things. As you may expect, for everything I've done and how I've acted over the last month. But a lot of it is stuff from way back when. I am sorry that I came off as arrogant. The last thing I wanted to be is one of those cliche douche bag guys that thinks too highly of himself. It is apparent now that you were not the one who changed, I am. I think that my confidence was perceived as arrogant sometimes. I felt good about myself and so comfortable with us that I had this overwhelming sense of self-confidence and was able to be this powerful person. I lost myself in you. Being with you made me feel like a bigger man. Not necessarily better than anyone else. One example comes to mind. When we were hanging out with Ross and Anna at the Berg that night, I was incredibly rude to Ross, and probably came off as an asshole. That was not my intention at all. I just felt that comfortable with him and liked him a lot. I was just trying to be close and chummy with him. I also wanted to try to be funny in front of Anna. I am so awkward, and try to hide it by making jokes and carrying myself with confidence. You know all I want to be is a nice guy and for people to like me. I also believe that I came off as immature sometimes. We were silly with one another and you thought I was cute when doing so. I felt so young and alive that I wanted to be myself and have fun while we could. You know that I can turn around and be mature and responsible when called for. I am also sorry if I bombarded you with ideas for the future. It felt good and comfortable enough that I started to think about commitment and a future together. I was thinking only of myself and had no right to put that kind of pressure on you. I should never have held this up high enough to get in the way of your ambitions. I should have just lived in the moment. You're a very work-oriented person, and I respect that. Especially when it's something you love to do. I just loved experiencing in all of that. Hanging out in the shop at all hours while you worked on projects, watching the shows that you stage managed, and especially hearing about your Shakespeare class and discussing the aspects of the plays. You gave as much time as you could for us, and I couldn't have asked for more. I broke down and showed that I am not as weak as I come off, and how much I love and care for you.

miracle mile

She says that we're ill-suited. While I respect her opinion, I disagree. All I know is, I was always in it, never doubtful, and happy. I believe that more and more throughout the relationship, I continued to show her something that I'm not. She changed me. Not willingly, and not conscientiously on my part, but I changed. Overconfidence can be a dangerous thing. It can create something scary and unattractive. I guess in all of this, I was the one who changed the most and became more distant, and didn't even realize it. Meanwhile, I couldn't understand why she was "changing" and becoming "cold" and "distant". I felt really good about it and started having these thoughts that weren't me either, seemingly forcing her to realize that this is not what she wanted. Seems to be a recurring theme with guys that she dates. I should have just kept back, enjoyed the moment, and kept my big mouth shut half the time. While I didn't push for us to get back together in any way, she took it that way, saying that it wouldn't be the same. Isn't that the point? Why would you want it the same? If it was the same, it would end up the same way. The rudeness, the judgment, the arrogance, that's not me, and I'm sorry that she had to see that from me. Now she won't get the chance to see me for who I am. I am sorry that I ruined things. I love you.

ghost

I feel like the walking dead. Like a ghost. I reach out, and cannot touch anything anymore. Everything I had is still there, but not accessible. All my wants are insatiable. I try to be incredibly nice to people and I have this great big heart. God forbid I use it to love you with, when that is all you wanted from me. I am not crazy. I just like you a lot. I am still/can be that same man that you fell for, physically and emotionally. I gave everything I could to you, but apparently that was not enough. I am sorry that you view my own opinions as vices, I know you had to find something. People are different. That's why we are attracted to them in the first place. This is why I was attracted to you, and probably why you were to me. We didn't agree on everything, but that is the point. You use that. You give that person what you have, and they will in return. Otherwise, it wouldn't be interesting. We were interesting. There was always something new to explore. I was unlike all the others and I know it. I am not comparing me with them, but we started off with mutual friends, we wouldn't have got together if we hadn't, and we made friends with each other's friends, whom I am still really close friends with, and yet now we can't all be around at the same time. Didn't we have a good time? I miss our pizza-breath make outs.

so I lied

Love is not enough. We had it, then somehow didn't anymore. I did, I thought you did, but chose to dwell on all the negative aspects you could muster. You shouldn't let such minute details bother you so much, and if it's something that I was doing, you could TELL me. Most of it, I didn't even know how much it bothered you, or that it did at all. At your sister's wedding, I commented on the pitch of the singer, I had seven years of choir, I can't not notice those things. You complained that I didn't dance........I am terrible at dancing, I don't love to, and if I had known it bothered you that much, I would have sucked it up and did it anyway. You know when we were at Club Tropicana that I wasn't dancing, but I knew that you were out there alone, and came out to share that with you, and I'm glad I did. It was romantic to dance so close like that. You're a GIRL, it's normal for you to want to dance, a lot of guys don't. I'm NOT a terrible person. You said that I was judging all the flats on the project you were working on.............once again, experience. I am a painter. I know what to look for, especially when there's a template to go off of. I don't know what could have went wrong other than the fact that you are overly critical. You liked me for me at first, and I'm sorry that I didn't read your mind and cater to your every whim. That's not how it works, you know that. You have to work through things, you can't just blame everything on me. I was a good guy, and when I made seemingly "rude" remarks, I was kidding, I even said I was when I did, and you would say: "you're charming" sarcastically cause I was just trying to be funny. You used to like who I was and we made each other laugh and were cute together........then we stopped playing around, you didn't want to poke at me or tickle me anymore, and stopped laughing at my jokes.......if you were even listening to me in the first place. You hardly gave me reasons, and when you did, I explained myself and pretty much negated all of them successfully. It doesn't make sense. It just seems like if things get too hard, you have to bail, that it's not worth fixing. You kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing, and I followed along, getting more and more into it, and felt welcomed to do so. Then it got to a certain point, we went as far as we could regarding new things, and you were done. I looked into your eyes last night, and all I saw was stone. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall with a crude depiction of you on it. I'm not like crutches, you don't just get rid of me once you don't "need" me anymore. I believe that you legitimately loved me, but I hope you didn't love only one side of me, being driven by your own horniness, cause that's certainly what it seemed like in the end. That's all that was left, and it's not fair. Were you necessarily unhappy in the other aspects? Otherwise, you said you still felt comfortable, close, and the normalcy helped. I know you were busy and felt like you had all the power, but do you really think that will change with someone else? You're always going to be busy. I thought I had everything, gave everything to you. What else do you expect? I miss what we had. You were "up for anything", because you loved and trusted me. You swallowed with me, for the first time, and continued to do so. I ALWAYS went down on you, and loved every minute of it. We always had favorite positions. You would sit on top of me, pleasuring yourself while we had sex, and then put those fingers into my mouth. It was sensual. When I was ready, I would pull out, and you would spread out and accept it. I was always up for anything as well, and felt very open with you. Now I'm only left with scars. If I had known that all this wasn't going to last, I would have never done anything with you in the first place. You were fantastic, and everything I could've hoped for, and more than I thought I deserved. Good luck having that comfort, closeness and passion with someone else, because it's NOT going to happen. No one will ever care for you more than I do. I don't want it to happen for me. No one else would compare. I saw a bright future with you, not even forever, but at least longer than it was. There was a possibility of marriage and a family because I thought that you wanted that at a point, and that got me wanting that as well. I wanted to give you everything possible. I was and am a great guy and I don't know what more you could possibly want than that. I was always there for you and we spent some great times together. You're not going to find perfection or someone that can make your every dream come true. You came close for me and that's all I could ask for. Why continue to search for something that's under your nose the entire time? Why risk waiting a long time only to have to settle on someone in the end? Sometimes you have to work for it. We were happy enough for a time that it could still be there. You just can't see it the same way anymore because it's not new and exciting like it was. Nothing is new and exciting forever, and you can't expect that. We never ached, wheezed and bled until we became "demonic". You look at old messages, posts, and conversations, realizing that they all start the same, but you don't have to let them end the same. If you see something happening, you work at it. That's all you can do, aside from abandoning it and making both parties suffer. I want you with a fiery passion that cannot be described in words, only in feelings and actions. I would give anything to see you again, not just in pictures and memories of us happy. The things that you miss about us are worth holding onto and building upon.

HELL

I had it all. Now I have nothing.

something

Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me

I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe her now

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me

Don't want to leave her now
You know I believe her now

You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now it may show
I don't know, I don't know

Something in the way she knows
And all I have to do is think of her
Something in the things she shows me

Don't want to leave her now
You know I believe her now


We wouldn't have picked that song if you didn't WANT me to feel that way. You wanted me to feel the way the song conveys, and I certainly did. I still do.

hypocrisy is a haness bitch goddess

Today has already been ridiculously hard for me. And I still have to go to work. Seeing her car parked outside the theater when I leave class just makes me want to go in and see her like I used to between classes. It wouldn't be the same, she wouldn't be happy to see me anymore, or hug me, or kiss me.

All she wanted when we were first together was commitment, now all she wants is to be alone. She said that maturity was an issue, regarding future plans and work ethic, yet I just graduated and have promising plans for the future. She thought that I was needy and based everything upon her, yet she admitted that she doesn't "need" me anymore, implying that she did have that need up until that point. She said we were taking a break so that we could wait until school was out, and then see where we were at. We didn't give it anymore time. I wish she could just see the good in me, and want to be with me. All I wanted was to spend the summer with her and have fun, and I'm not having fun at all.

tough

Why is she doing this? Why is she doing this to me? I am still so damned confused. I suppose it's my fault really. During the process, it went from "I still love you and am attracted to you, but it just doesn't feel right", to "I don't love you anymore" and "I don't need you anymore", probably because I pushed too hard. I know that you did "need" me at a certain point, and maybe don't as much anymore, but you pushed so hard for us that I fell for you, I fell in love with you. I am not going to have just been there for you whilst you "needed" me. I wanted to be more than that. I am a great guy and feel that I complimented you well. I know that it is difficult to think about, and you don't want to be making that kind of life choice right now, saying "I don't want to think about this during the summer", and you "don't need that". Tough. I am in LOVE with you, I do anything and everything for you, not because of desperation or neediness, but because of that LOVE. That is NOT going to change. You pushed away because you were comfortable and knew that I would always be there regardless. That's what happens when you have such a busy schedule, and that's fine, that's normal. You weren't hurting me as long as you were there. I acted out of feelings of it being good and right. I've never met anyone like you and was never that happy in my life. Maybe you weren't ready, and you were scared, I don't know, but the way I see it, it's not about being too early to settle down, or wanting to continue a lifetime search, when I find something good and worthwhile, I believe in holding onto it. Not clinging or pulling, but holding on. I was once the object of your love and affection, and I don't believe I did anything to compromise that. I know that there's something hidden inside that you're not telling me, because you're not telling me anything. Knowing what we've been through together, I think I am owed that much. Anytime it is brought up, you quickly disappear or change the subject or get angry with me, making me out to be the bad guy. We are adults, so grow up and talk to me about it. You said that these are difficult conversations to have, and there is a reason for that. You can't just sit on it until it goes away. I am not going to just be dropped like a sack of dirt, with no explanation. I know you know how it feels and I should be hurting, but this is different. I'm sure that this has been the most mature and healthiest relationship either one of us has been in, and I don't think that I am overreacting. I lost a lover, a confidant, and a best friend.

nothing

Counseling is becoming less and less effective. The medication has only made me even more flat, (if that is even possible). There are some things that I have found to be ironic so far this summer. When I lost it that night, it became obvious that I required some help. I sought counseling, only to discover that the building it was located in was Parker..........funny. I've had the apartment to myself pretty much since it happened. Awesome. I'm taking my summer class with Gloria, who is about the most sexually explicit person I've come in contact with. Great. The class gets out at noon. She gets off work at noon. Too bad we're not having lunch with each other anymore like we used to. What happened to the old her?

torn

I couldn't sleep last night and was up all night tossing and turning. I can't stop thinking about things. You showed me so much, told me so much, gave me so much. I trusted you. I loved you.

You betrayed me.

running out

I think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you've created

you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

you will be the death of me
you will be the death of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted

now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
you'd never dream of
breaking this fixation

you will squeeze the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this?

you will suck the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?

hello, goodbye

Fate brought us together. Uncertainness drove us apart. The hello part was easy, it happened very quickly. I can also recall some memorable goodbyes. Last year, before she had to head to Texas for the Mizzou game, we met for lunch at Bread Co. on a cool afternoon in December. Afterwards, I saw her off and we hugged on the corner before she left. She was going to miss me. At the start of spring break, we were supposed to spend the night together before I left the next day. She came over, but quickly fell asleep that night. She felt bad, and we decided to have sex in the living room on a blanket that morning. It was fantastic, she was so adventurous. I remember one of the last times that we were together, before she left for Chicago, we had lunch at Addison's. We had a good time, the food (as always), was great, and I could still see the love in her eyes.

You don't realize how perfect you are. You're beautiful, smart, funny, caring, adoring, affectionate, adventurous, goofy, and have a wonderful physique. I took all that for granted. You're all I ever wanted. I cannot believe that you were ever angry, bitter, or down on yourself. The only reason people don't immediately accept you is that you have an aggressive personality, you like to talk to new people, and seem very comfortable with them probably out of insecurity and that want for acceptance. I was not up to par with your personality, that's why you broke up with me and not the other way around.

Towards the end, it seemed like the roles had reversed. You were the guy, had all the control, knew all the people, all the events that were happening, initiated all the intimacy, and always seemed to keep your cool, being very comfortable and not extremely excited with our situation. I was the girl, insecure, frightened, worried, attached, did everything I could to make you happy, and viewed intercourse with an almost religious standpoint, believing it to be a big step in the relationship and very committing.

There are some things that should never have happened. While I appreciate it, when there was something wrong, I should have been told, rather than telling me it's nothing or not to worry about it. We shouldn't have had sex when you were having your doubts and going to break up with me within the next couple days. We shouldn't have spent that entire day together during our break if you did not intend to get back together with me. This all just led me on. There are also some things I regret never being able to do. I never had you listen to my choir music from high school, I always wanted to walk through the park with you on a nice day and have a picnic, and I wanted to watch the Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz synchronization with you.

I still find her long, brown hairs in my room.........

night

I spent the entire night with Laura again. We went swimming, saw a movie, got a bite to eat, then watched another movie. It was nice. I appreciate her being there for me throughout all of this. While I know that she just wants to help me, and get me to go out and do things, I am trying to steer clear of her becoming a replacement for Katie. No one could ever replace her. She taught me to love completely. She'll always have a special place in my heart.

I will make it through ALL of work tomorrow. I told myself last night that I would be "on" today and I wasn't. It didn't feel as good today and the medicine only made me light headed and have a headache. I came home early so that I could rest and I got to talk to her. I am glad that she is reading what I have to say. At least it is getting out there in some fashion. She stalks me just as much as I stalk her. She is still hurting inside as well.......that almost makes it all worth while. I don't know what I am thinking or feeling right now, I need to just get some sleep.

still

I realize now that it was not neediness, dependence, or loneliness that kept me coming to you. It was intrigue, love, and happiness. I loved you, that's what made me continue to want to see you, hear you, touch you. Much in the same way you were enamored with me and couldn't stop "showing up in my space". Sure, relationships are exciting at first, and that excitement CAN and WILL wear off eventually. That's just how it works. It is still exciting to me to constantly learn more and more about that person as you go on. You may get used to certain aspects of that person or of the relationship, but there is always more to discover..............in THAT person. You continue to stand by and watch relationships ache, wheeze, and bleed until they transform into that "demonic" state because you let them. If you don't jump into things, take it slower, and accept that person for who they are and what they do for you, they won't continue to end up like that. I would like to think that we never became "demonic". Regardless of whether or not relationships are your whole life, which they shouldn't be, they do require work. Obviously this is warranted when you have that excitement, love, trust, and affection from the get go. There were so many things we could've done to work through this. I am not saying that I have to be your one and only, but I would've thought that knowing what Renee had gone through, you would've been more sympathetic, rather than getting to the point to where you don't want to deal with it anymore. I am feeling just like she did. I am upset all the time and hate other couples. You have to think of that other person that you cared for so much. You are lucky to have that best friend to come home to every night, that blue room you love so much, and having your family conveniently close. I was once grouped into all of those things. I don't know if it was about my behavior sometimes, being too angry about some things or sad or uninterested in certain situations, but you should also be all too familiar with emotional problems as well. I understand that now, I know that I may have overreacted to some things or not appreciated some things as much as I should have, like your band banquet or your sister's wedding, but I was still very happy to have been there, despite not really knowing what was going on. I am seeking help now to try to help myself, and I would like it if you were there when I came out.

I let you force that one more part of you upon myself, and I am still here. I am sorry if I got in the way of your ambitions, or was overwhelming sometimes, but you once told me that you don't EVER want me to feel like I take 3rd place or so in your life, and now I feel like I am dead last.

zombie

It's ironic, we seemed to have hit a point of repetition and safety in our relationship, yet now I'm living in an even more excessive repetition. I wake up at 8:30 every morning, nauseous, emotionless, force feed myself very little for breakfast, grudgingly go to Gloria's class, come home for lunch, go to work, come home again to a dark, empty apartment, mess around on the computer for a few hours, take my medication pretty early, then pass out, only to do it all again the next day. I'm so bored and lonely these days. I feel like I won't get out of this slump.

What happened to us?
What did you used to like so much about me?
What were you unattracted to?
What did you feel when you had that "moment of clarity" the day of the first time you ended it?
What were you feeling that Monday during our break when we spent the entire day together?
What do you miss about us? I assure you that I can come up with a variety of things.

numb

I am not myself. I have to take these things, otherwise I'll just be sad or angry again. When I take these, I am a different person. Everything that makes me Adam is still there.....only suppressed. I still think about her, yet cannot breakdown. I can feel that sadness, that longing, that anger at the situation, but nothing is allowed out. I feel that my normal self has been glazed over, and it has just been replaced with light-headedness and nausea. I can remember some things vividly. We went to Mojo's one night and she showed up a little later, came and stood next to me, and danced her head-down, bob from side to side dance. I remember her saying that she's "up for anything" and before Thanksgiving break, we had never really fooled around before, and she went down on me for the first time, her shadow was cast on the opposite wall of the light given off from the stereo, saying: "Give it to me". When I went down on her, I would do my thing, feeling her gyrations, listening to her moan, and once I had hit it, she would grab me, pull me up and say: "Make love to me!" I remember the way that she would ask me how I was doing while in bed, get me to smile, and say: "There it is". She loved it when I smiled. She used to always want me to drive places so it felt like a "real date", we would get into the car and not leave until we couldn't see our breath anymore. One of the last times I stayed over at her place, in the morning, she had already gotten up and brought me bacon, eggs, and coffee in bed. It was very sweet of her. I was leaving to go play frisbee golf with the guys one day, and she came by and had to grab me, and give me a big hug and kiss before I left, and yelled at them: "Now you can have him!" I would visit her in the theater between classes, she had a meeting or something, but before I left, she would give me a big kiss goodbye.

I saw her last night at Charles' birthday. I didn't think that she was going to be there, but she showed up later, and she looked great. I couldn't handle it. What is she doing to me?! She was there very briefly, as she has been doing lately......I don't think that she wants to be around me. I used to be there, I was sweet, caring, and tried to be the nicest guy I could. It is what she deserved for showing me all the same. We were in love, but I'm starting to wonder if she was ever in love with me at all.......it didn't feel like anything changed, but maybe that was it, maybe I didn't show her enough potential, enough of me. All I feel now is cold and emotionless............numb.

everlong

I miss her. I feel like shit most of the time. I am spending my last summer of college alone, seeking counseling, and taking anti-depressants. This is NOT how I expected to spend it at all. She was the most wonderful person that has ever expressed any romantic interest in me. I loved her. I loved everything about her. Her touch, her taste, her feel. I gave her the same love that she gave me. We made sure to experience everything with one another, learn about each other, each other's families, each others lives......for 8 months. It meant a lot to me, she meant a lot to me. Now she won't even talk to me, explain herself. The only significant argument I got out of her was that I asked too much of her, she became tired, and when she's tired, she's grouchy, and feels put upon sometimes. Grouchy? When you're grouchy, you tell me and what you want, and I could've taken it easy and backed off. We could've just had some space, because I know we still wanted each other physically. We just couldn't be around all the time like we used to. I respect that. Too much of anyone can be a burden. Now we don't have anyone at all. I feel worthless now, that I'm not good enough for her anymore, even though I was once "too good" for her. She told me that she does miss some things, and I'm sure I know what some of them are. We were so close and comfortable with each other, and it is extremely difficult for me to create that connection, that comfort with someone. I don't want to build that or have that with anyone else. I'll admit that I did put a lot into our relationship, but that is only because I was encouraged to do so. She showed me so much and gave me a whole new world to believe. We started sleeping together relatively early in the relationship (in my eyes), and continued to do so right up until the very end. That is one of the biggest steps of a relationship, and meant a lot to me that we still shared that, gave me confidence. We had that intimacy, that closeness, we were always attracted to each other and enjoyed pleasuring the other. It's not worth abandoning. Neither one of us is either.

I continue to be,

as I will always be,

your faithful.

-Adam

empty

She used to think that I was fabulous and amazing, absurdly attractive, useful on a farm, tall, better looking than herself, too good for her, she was inclined to keep me around because I was good looking and would make out with her, and always liked me because I was always myself and my own person, and didn't care what other people thought. I understand now that she was in a difficult spot when we first got together. She had just come out of a relationship and felt alone and vulnerable, just as I do now. She needed that someone that was there for her, to give her strength and support through tough matters. She had a busy schedule and just wanted to be able to come home to me after a long, hard day at school/work. Then it got far enough for her to realize that she was slowly not needing that someone anymore, and that she could do it on her own, and be independent. That is all well and good, and a very admirable quality, but I am stuck in the middle of all this, and feel like I was just a good time to her. As soon as school was out, she ended it, didn't need me anymore. I guess she doesn't need that someone to care about her, love her, and be intimate with her anymore. This is coming from the person that once thought that no one could love her, who was in love with love and affection and passion, loved the idea of being incomplete without that one specific person, what she really wanted was someone to look her right in the soul through the eyes and tell her that he can't help but love her completely, and that she's so beautiful that it startles him every now and then. Even if she weren't, she wanted to still be loved because she is funny, smart, adoring and idealistic. She thought people didn't really see her, and if they did, they couldn't help but be in love with her. I saw all these things, that is why I love her in the first place, I saw her for her, I understood her (mostly), I laughed with her, I loved her heart.

over and out

Sometimes I don't think too critically before I speak. I believe here it is warranted. This is where I can express my feelings and emotions. We all have our own opinions. These have been mine. I just continue to feel forgotten and abandoned due to the fact that I was cast aside with no specific reasons. It was very foggy. The ex-boyfriend didn't get his explanation until only a few months ago, and that relationship ended years ago. I just hope it doesn't take as long for me to get mine.

again

Event number three that I expected to spend with her is approaching. The last costume party I had, I first asked her out officially. She was so excited and all for it. That was 8 months ago. She won't even be there this time.....by choice. I barely hear from her anymore. I remember when the evening was about over, and we sat outside on the steps together. You may be able to forget about this and move on, but I can't. I know what we had, and it was very special, to both of us. It would be different if we had just been dating for a little while, but we were in a relationship. There is a major difference. To me, dating is just kind of talking to that person every once in a while, no commitment, occasionally going out on dates. A relationship is having that person be a major part of your life, to always be there for you, to be able to stay with them, share intimate relations with them, and love them. We moved from one to the other, but we had that relationship. It was your choice. You pushed for us, and I was all for it too. Then all you did was push away. You told me to have a good time on Saturday, but how can I?

nowhere

All my memories seem like a dream. All I can do now is suffer in silence.

hard

Some things are hard. This is hard. This is probably the hardest thing I have been through, whether it be physical or emotional. Although, this is incredibly emotionally trying, I just want to be nice. I still want to be there for her. In my situation, this doesn't have to be, but it must be due to my feelings for her. I've already endured graduation without her, and now I've been through her birthday without her........extra hard. It still still went off without a hitch, although maybe not as originally planned, everyone was there and she had a good time. She was gorgeous, as she always was, but this night she was amazing. New dress, new shoes..........she was a different person. The only thing was, she came off as more like herself than she had been in a long while. She seems happy again. She gave me a lot of attention that night. I think she just appreciated what I did for her and what I bought her for her birthday. She arrived, stunning, and greeted everyone, then me. She thanked me for all that I got her and requested a hug. Throughout the night, if I was around, she'd talk to me, go off somewhere, but let me know that she'd be back. She told me that she read the letter I wrote her. I asked her if she liked the flowers I got her, she said she loved them. I told her I knew she would, (white carnations are her favorite). Towards the end of the night, I offered to buy her another drink, but she said that she was ready to head out, after all, she was pretty drunk. We hugged again, about the forth time that night. It was a long hug........she was still there. It was the first time that it felt like it was actually her in weeks. She went away, I had to sit down and was a little emotional, but as she left, she caught my attention: "Adam Lee!" I looked up, she waved goodbye and had her finger on her nose........I love it when she does that! It was always a sign of goodbye or having an idea.........

once

I am sorry that I tilted the scales. I did not want to come off as needy or dependent upon you. I did not NEED you, but when you came into my life, it just made me all the more happy. As I did for you. I don't feel that I ever asked too much of you. You did not have to partake in everything I wanted to do, but we always WANTED to share in the aspects of each other's lives. Perhaps the normalcy and comfort scared you, and you couldn't handle that. Once it got to a point, you had to step back and think about things. I think that displays a certain level of maturity on both ends. I was at a point of comfort that I didn't have to think too seriously about things anymore, we just assumed that we would be seeing each other and doing whatever, and everything just seemed to fall into place. You seemed to have grown due to focusing on important work in school and theater, thinking about if this was able to be held onto in the meantime. You saw a great many things in me, just as I did in you. Things that you thought were cute, sexy, and sometimes amazing. Sure, there were things we didn't agree upon sometimes, and maybe we occasionally saw things in each other that we did not like. That aside, I never had doubts about you and never dreamed about anything big enough to separate us. You always said that we were too different, but when you look at it, our personalities are quite similar. We are both sweet, loving, affectionate, passionate, weird, we can confuse ourselves, get lost in ourselves, we can be selfish, judgmental, liars, display a certain amount of cowardice, and overall we are emotional. We cannot help it. We are humans, displaying human emotions. I conveyed a rather extreme case of them obviously, and I am extremely regretful for that. I'm sure that those actions, especially during our trial break period, only made things worse and pushed you away further. It just always gave me so much strength and courage knowing that you were there in some capacity. It strikes me as odd that you didn't have the time for us at the end of the semester, yet now we do and you are no longer there. I always looked forward to the summer because we would have that time, could take things slower, and it would be easier on both of us. I feel like getting into it and coming on too strong was a turnoff and made it not as exciting to be with me anymore. What ever happened to the "amazing, absurdly attractive, (presumably) out of your league" man whom you used to "miss tremendously"? I love you. Don't give up on me.........or yourself.

without her

I lay awake at night thinking about her. The girl of my dreams, although I cannot seem to dream about her anymore. She came into my life so abruptly, so randomly. I can still smell the coffee on that cool, September evening. The coffee wasn’t important. It was those blue eyes of hers. Whenever she spoke, it was like music. Sweet melodies inviting me in. We barely knew one another, yet spent the night as close as friends of years on end. As I left, she stood on the stoop, watching me go. She knew that I would return, only not soon enough. I would wait up for her, and she would finally come through the door, weary from a long day of school and work, ready to just cuddle up on the couch, watch a movie, and inevitability fall asleep. When she was ready to leave, we just held each other until our legs were about to give out. Then it happened. We kissed. It was sweet. A wonderful taste that I’ll not soon forget. I had to immediately call a friend of mine to tell her how happy I was and that I tasted like Katie. It started to get colder. We only got warmer. That warmth protected me on the cold nights we would sit under the stars with each other. She was always there. When I got sick, she was there for me. We went to a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I felt terrible and felt great at the same time. She couldn’t help herself but to hold me, kiss me repeatedly. It felt good. She came over one night to hang out with my friends and me. We sat around the table singing songs ridiculously loud and drunk. She didn’t mind, she even joined in. She held my hand, and when she was tired, went upstairs. When I came up, she was there, waiting for me, curled up on the floor because I hadn’t had the bed made just yet. It was cute. I remember going to see Across the Universe with her. It was our first official “real” date. Little did I know that Something would become our song. She had never had a song before. We loved The Beatles, and I loved her. She asked me to come by the theater where she was working one night, alone. I rode as fast as I could, I came in, she was excited, she wanted me. I wanted her just as much. We hung out, we kissed, then I let her get back to her work, as was the frequent custom. There was a cast party after her show, I didn’t know her friends all that well, but they all seemed to like me. They liked us. They thought we were cute together. Later that evening, we were the beer pong champs. We smoked the competition. That is until our last game. We went a little overboard, and she was sick this time. I went upstairs to check on her. She didn’t want me to see her like this, but all I wanted to do was help her. She felt embarrassed, but I thought she was being ridiculous. Then it happened. She said it. Those three magic words: “I love you”. Finally, I could say it to her without her getting freaked out or something. “I love you too”. Man did that feel good. She came home with me, she was okay by then, but I could tell I wasn’t going to be pretty the next morning. Of course I wasn’t. I was severely hung over, but that didn’t stop us from expressing ourselves with one another. I asked her if she wanted to make love, and she told me about her past and what this meant to her, after which I felt like I shouldn’t put so much pressure on her and changed my mind, yet she pushed on, and wanted it. So we did. It was amazing. Although it was early and I was hung over from the night before, it was still amazing. Afterwards, we were inseparable. Constant phone calls and ims to one another. We shared in every activity. During Christmas break, we missed each other tremendously. We visited the other’s hometowns and stayed at the other’s houses. Her sister was getting married in January, I was her date. I got to meet all of her extended family and experience yet another Catholic service, which I didn’t mind, because it was a beautiful occasion, and she was simply gorgeous. It seemed like she became more beautiful every time I saw her. I couldn’t believe that I was with her, and yet didn’t appreciate it enough. Come February 14^th, Valentine’s Day, I set out to show her my devotion and appreciation. I bought her chocolates, two dozen roses, and made her a mix CD. I wore a shirt and tie and surprised her after her Romeo and Juliet rehearsal. We listened to the mix CD as I drove her to one of our favorite restaurants, Addison’s. It was there that we enjoyed a wonderful meal, complete with an expensive bottle of wine. She looked radiant that night. This is when I gave her the necklace. A small, white gold heart with diamonds. She was stunned. She couldn’t stop showing it to everyone over the next few weeks. Given she was expecting an engagement ring, she was slightly relieved it wasn’t so committing. She actually joked about it, saying not to do that for another year. In March, we went to see a cover band of one of our favorite groups, Led Zeppelin. We sat, listening to some of our favorite music, had some drinks, and she held me close. It was perfect. It was nice one day and her and her roommate decided to wash cars at their house. They called me over and washed my car for me. Afterwards, we went inside so she could dry off. She took everything off and lounged around naked for a while. Simply breathtaking. We laid on the bed, I sensually massaged her back, when she realized that she had to be at a rehearsal of a show she was doing for a friend of hers. She was late and so angry at the fact that we couldn’t stay there and be intimate that evening. She said: “I promise we’ll come back and have lots of sex”. We did. From then on, things were still okay, but were slipping. She seemed to be more distant at times, colder, extracted. We were still together, still shared intimate relations, but normal interactions began to suffer. She didn’t seem as emotionally available anymore and things just weren’t the same. There was a time where I came over to work on a monologue final, and she just wasn’t there in the same capacity. I felt neglected. It made me angry. But as I left, I think she realized how I felt and said: “I love you, kid”. This in itself made me feel so much better, gave me hope, confidence toward the future. Things went back and forth for a while, and it came to a point to where she had to take a trip to Chicago for a presentation of one of her majors. I spent the weekend with some friends and felt okay. When she returned, I picked her up and we spent the evening together. We saw a movie and came back to my place. She spent the night, I came to bed and she spoke these words, the words I will never forget for the rest of my life: “Get on top and I’ll make it worth your while”. I certainly accepted, we made love again and I went to sleep, her lying next to me. What I should have heard was: “Get on top and I’ll leave you”. The next morning, we went for breakfast and she had to leave to go to church. This would be the last time I saw her as she once was, in love with me. The next evening, I heard the front door open, the jingle of her keys, I was excited. She came through my door not looking like herself. She told me she had bad news. Things didn’t feel the same anymore, she felt herself pushing away, and that it wasn’t fair to me. It was devastating. We talked things over and she left that night, separated. As I heard the door close, my heart split in two. We still tried at the relationship soon after, but after spending another day together, like old times, and after a lot of thinking, she ended it. She was gone just as quickly as she had appeared. It was surreal. Nothing felt the same anymore. She was no longer there every night. She was no longer calling me everyday. She was cut off completely. I’ve seen her room since. The portrait I painted for her is now hidden behind a clutter on her dresser. The sheets on her bed, the bigger bed she bought for us to share, were changed. She lied and said that she changed them because she got them all nasty due to sweating and such while sleeping. But I know the truth. We had soiled those sheets during our intimacy, and she no longer wanted to be in them. Now I spend my time alone, thinking about the best period of my life, with her. I look to the skies and stars, pleading, praying to relatives and friends in heaven for answers. I crawl into bed now, the very same bed that we once shared, cold and alone.