I can change. I will change. I have to, not just for you, but for myself and everyone around me. Those things that I do unknowingly apparently have affected my old friends as well, and it's not fair. It was just never brought up. I didn't know what I was doing until it was too late. I can really come off as an asshole, when I don't really mean it. I've been hurting a lot of people that are close to me for a long time, and I severely regret it. Everything can be discussed. Just tell me what you want/wanted and I will deliver. Otherwise, what was the point? I am the same person you fell in love with. Now I know you did what you did when you did it. That weekend when you came back from Chicago, I was complaining about things and controlling, forcing you to go with me and come home with me, even though you probably wanted to settle in, hang out with Renee for a while, and I'm sorry. Then come Sunday, when we went to breakfast, I was just attacking Jessica with insults and making fun of her from the night before...........I feel awful, who knows the countless others I've hurt due to my aggressive personality. I know I've only gotten worse and worse over this summer and no matter how upset I get, it wouldn't change your mind, but I think this time apart will do us good. I know you felt put upon, tied down, and annoyed, so I'm glad that you could get away and have this summer to yourself. You said way back when that that is how you feel now, but it might change someday. I will too. You also said that it wouldn't be the same, but we aren't either. We've changed over the course of the last year. Change can be good, maybe not as drastic as separating, but change in the sense of learning new things and working together. I know that this just sounds like pleas and rambling, but which is harder, going back to what you know and loved, with an open mind, or trying to build that comfort with someone else? I love you and would do anything for you.

shattered

Why is she forcing herself to move on? It must be hard to get over, otherwise she wouldn't avoid me so much and try not to contact me. It's not worth it. If it's that hard to move on for her, just think how hard it is for me. It's ridiculously hard. I feel lost and that I am an empty shell of my former self. I feel nauseous most of the time due to my medication which I had to start taking again, and thinking about moving on myself. I don't have the physical or emotional energy to do such a thing. Getting close to someone new, building what we had with someone new, sleeping with someone new.........it makes me sick. It would make me feel terrible about myself because I am in love with you. That will not change. You can ignore me, forget about me, move on with someone new.........but I know what we had was special, different than before. You speed things along with someone that cares about you because you don't want to lose them, then lose yourself in a false sense of security, realize it's not what you wanted, then take off, only to do it again with the next guy. What's so incredibly wrong with me? Am I so repulsive that you can't bare to be around me anymore? I find it very hard to believe that not knowing me at all before we got together, you could fall in and out of love with me in 8 months. It either was or it wasn't. You love someone for who they are.........completely. Accepting of those differences and embracing of new ideas. You said how you liked me because I am my own person, that I don't care what other people think about me, and that I will never be anyone but myself. You cannot just say you love someone, but really not like certain aspects of them. I loved you regardless of different opinions and interests. Do you not remember all the things we did share, that we did have in common? Music, theater, art, movies, books, friends, comics..........far too much to share with anyone else. Anytime any of those things I once enjoyed comes up, my heart aches. Nothing is the same anymore, so many things contain bad memories and are ruined for me. It still hurts, but I do have good memories that will always be special to just us. Like how you used to come over, we would sit on the couch and watch Batman, and you would usually fall asleep in my arms. I told you how cute I thought it was and you told me that I was amazing. You told me you loved how when we hugged goodbye, I would never let you go, no matter how long it was. Remember how we used to take walks around the neighborhood and just talk about things? And how we used to go see shows together, provided you weren't working on them. How we would go hang out at Eastside Tavern, be really close, and get free drinks from Skip. How we would watch West Wing together and you would have to explain everything to me. How we would make dinner for each other. How you would tell me you were cold, needed a shower, and invite me over to team shower, and we would until the hot water ran out? How we would watch movies in the bedroom, I would rub your back, we would make love so passionately, I would hold you, you would put your hands on my chest, then we would go to sleep, comfortably naked in each other's arms. You once told me if I hadn't done that certain thing before, that you would have to get all the women in the world together and erect a shrine to me. I don't mean to expose all these personal things about us, but rather to emphasize that those things were ours and ours alone. It seems easy for you because guys are generally the same, similar bodies, personalities, capabilities..................but you............you're one in a million. We once said how we had never met anyone like the other. It was so true in my eyes, you are the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, and affectionate person I've ever met, much less had the fortune of being in a relationship with. Me? I didn't match up to your expectations, I became less and less special as time went on, until you became tired of me. I'm sorry. I got too comfortable. I thought that we were committed, that I didn't have to show off to you anymore. I'm sorry if I came off as arrogant or judgmental, but it's strange, I get that way with people I feel really close and comfortable with, to have fun, to laugh and be friends enough to be able to do that with in the first place. I wish I could just dump all these thoughts and memories out of my head and make it easier on both of us, but I can't. It was too important to me. You are too important to me. Knowing how hard it is for me, it must be just as hard for you, and I don't understand why. Why are we doing this if it's so hard? It wouldn't be a sign of weakness if you didn't see this whole "clean break, moving on" thing through. How did you just decide one day (after we spent the weekend together and slept together), that you weren't into it anymore? I know you weren't completely sure, otherwise you wouldn't have shifted back and forth with wanting me to be around and not wanting me to be around. When we did break up, and I gave your things back, I saw you out and told you I loved you, then you told me you loved me. You never stopped loving me, you just had a busy schedule, couldn't be around as often, and wanted time to yourself. I can understand that, believe me. I've been there before. Upon reading your blogs in their entirety, I've come to realize that you and I are all too similar. You're happy, you're sad, you're self conscious and down on yourself, you really feel that your doing something great, you really feel that your responsible for something awful. It's so confused and disoriented , like I have been all summer. One thing really did jump out at me though. You're afraid. Constantly afraid. Happiness makes you nervous, and you're scared to death of someone loving you with all their heart, like me. Maybe someday you will let me love you again. You told me at the time of the separation that maybe your feelings will change one day, but for now this is how you feel. I told you I would wait. I will wait for as long as it takes. No matter how long, it will be worth it. You were always worth it. I am in love with you.

analysis of a broken heart

My Adam, (I will always be yours)

I just left you. (it's hard every time) The cast is
warming up and I am screwing
around. (thinking about me) I am so ridiculous,
and I am so enamored (enamored is a strong word, I believed that once) with you
that I can't seem to stop
showing up in your space. (whatever happened to that?) I
don't ever want you to feel
like you take 3rd place or so
in my life. (I am dead last) My ambitions
eat me; don't let them eat
you :) (I always put your priorities first, I respected that, I was just happy to see you when I could)
You have this great big
heart, (only to love you with) and you're so sweet
to me, (you were so sweet to me, it was the least I could do) perhaps more than
you should be. (not possible, you deserved every bit of it) So please, let
me force one more part of
myself upon you. (I did, you forced everything upon me in the relationship, made me feel great and secure, and that I was the only one in the world)

Yours,
Katie (not anymore)

It doesn't make any sense. How did all this change? I told you that I was sorry for anything I have done unknowingly to upset you. You know I'd never mean to do anything like that. And if there were any problems, they're supposed to be fixed, worked through, otherwise no relationship would work out..........ever. I wish we could've worked through things, I could change, we could've spiced things up..........anything to help out and make it happier, like you once were.........you were beyond happy, you seemed so head over heels in love that I thought it to good to be true..........it appears as though it was. For once I was happy, completely in love with this wonderful person whom I wouldn't trade for the world. I wish you would've told me exactly what you wanted before leaving me. I gave you everything I thought I could, I thought you wanted. I know there must be some shred of love for me left in your heart somewhere, it was just smothered by other aspects of your life, and I had no power over that, all I could do was be there, I helped you through your struggles and enjoyed doing so. How did you know you weren't in love anymore, how did you know you were in love in the first place? All I know is that all I have is love for you in what little I have left of my heart.

yesterday

I hope that you are happy. I had another breakdown this morning. That makes 3 days in a row. I was supposed to go with my family to a fair in Sedalia today, but couldn't handle it due to passing through Columbia and staying overnight in Jefferson City, both contain bad memories. It just made them angry and once again made me feel like a disappointment. When my mother sees me like this, she said it makes her hate you, and that you're not worth it. And for what? So you can be happy and alone, free to do what you want, flirt around unrestricted like old times, like the burden of having me has been lifted? I cannot believe it. I cannot believe you. Were you there? Do you not remember all the times we shared? How you forced yourself upon me until I fell in love with everything about you? How you gave me everything I ever wanted, spoiled me, got me to a point to which I expected certain things, then just took it away like I was a dog?

Do you even think about me anymore? What you've done? How I am feeling? Or do you just ignore it and pretend like it will just go away and you'll be back to normal one day? I think that it would do you good to go back and read those old conversations we've had, to take some responsibility for those things that you've said and done. You made me happy, and I cannot be again without you.

black

I can't stand it anymore. I keep getting more and more upset. I have been crying everyday for 3 months straight. Anytime I see her or read anything from her, I die inside. She's going to Rocky Horror Picture Show again...............that was one of the first things we did together..........when I read about that, I lost it. What made her do this? Why did she leave me? How did she feel about it? How does she feel now? I feel so incredibly empty inside and that I have nothing to live for..........I want to kill myself.

...........

I've never been this unhappy in my life. The last 3 months have been hazy and miserable. I feel so alone and that I have been a disappointment to everyone...............friends, family, and especially you. I'm sorry to him, them, and you. Not only for what I know that I have done, but for what I have unknowingly done while we were together. It's funny, saying we were "together" doesn't have much meaning anymore.........it's been so long that it doesn't feel like we were together at all...........like it was all just a wonderful dream. I'm deeply sorry for ever being ignorant, aggressive, judgmental, or arrogant. I never meant to disappoint you. That's exactly what I have done, otherwise we wouldn't be in this situation. I never stopped loving you and am just torn inside thinking about what we once had, how happy we were for so long together. That's why I can't believe we are where we are. It doesn't seem right going from where we were to here. I look down at my tattoo and remember that it is real. That's really the only thing keeping me sane right now, my last grip on reality. I'm sorry for ruining everything, for wasting your love and potential for that brief period of your life. You say that relationships don't last forever, well some do, that's why people are married and raise children.............I know you wanted that at one point, and I'm sorry that I couldn't measure up to your expectations. I love and miss you dearly. I wish you would remember all that we shared and how much we had in common. I would give anything to see you again. Why wasn't I granted another chance?

nightmares

It keeps coming back to me. Memories, dreams, that loneliness and longing for a girl that does not exist. I did anything for her, and it proved fruitless. I just cannot understand.

Need. "Need" is unhealthy. Yet we both had it at one time or another. She definitely needed me at the beginning for some reason. Then it began to become very mutual, whether we both needed each other, or neither one of us needed one another. Then she started to drift away. I didn't know why. Maybe I became an ugly person that she saw things she didn't like in, or maybe it was just that she didn't "need" me anymore. Didn't need me anymore? I wasn't the one that started the whole "neediness" thing. It shouldn't be about need, it should be about want, about love. Once she started to drift away, I wanted her more, I was not used to being away from her and her not wanting to be there. I am certainly not used to this either. It was not about need with me. It was about love, and that love, affection, and attraction is what kept me coming back to you. I've said it before, and it has not, nor will not lose meaning any time soon...........I love you and will always love you.

"you're fabulous"..................."you're amazing"....................."you're absurdly attractive"............"I miss you tremendously"......................."I love you"..................."I have done well I'd say"...................."I didn't want to kiss you"................"I don't want to get back together, ever"............."I don't want to marry you".................."I don't want to have your children"............
"I shouldn't be here"................"I think you should go"...........

What happened? I feel as though my entire world has been turned upside down, and it's somehow my own fault.