shattered

Why is she forcing herself to move on? It must be hard to get over, otherwise she wouldn't avoid me so much and try not to contact me. It's not worth it. If it's that hard to move on for her, just think how hard it is for me. It's ridiculously hard. I feel lost and that I am an empty shell of my former self. I feel nauseous most of the time due to my medication which I had to start taking again, and thinking about moving on myself. I don't have the physical or emotional energy to do such a thing. Getting close to someone new, building what we had with someone new, sleeping with someone new.........it makes me sick. It would make me feel terrible about myself because I am in love with you. That will not change. You can ignore me, forget about me, move on with someone new.........but I know what we had was special, different than before. You speed things along with someone that cares about you because you don't want to lose them, then lose yourself in a false sense of security, realize it's not what you wanted, then take off, only to do it again with the next guy. What's so incredibly wrong with me? Am I so repulsive that you can't bare to be around me anymore? I find it very hard to believe that not knowing me at all before we got together, you could fall in and out of love with me in 8 months. It either was or it wasn't. You love someone for who they are.........completely. Accepting of those differences and embracing of new ideas. You said how you liked me because I am my own person, that I don't care what other people think about me, and that I will never be anyone but myself. You cannot just say you love someone, but really not like certain aspects of them. I loved you regardless of different opinions and interests. Do you not remember all the things we did share, that we did have in common? Music, theater, art, movies, books, friends, comics..........far too much to share with anyone else. Anytime any of those things I once enjoyed comes up, my heart aches. Nothing is the same anymore, so many things contain bad memories and are ruined for me. It still hurts, but I do have good memories that will always be special to just us. Like how you used to come over, we would sit on the couch and watch Batman, and you would usually fall asleep in my arms. I told you how cute I thought it was and you told me that I was amazing. You told me you loved how when we hugged goodbye, I would never let you go, no matter how long it was. Remember how we used to take walks around the neighborhood and just talk about things? And how we used to go see shows together, provided you weren't working on them. How we would go hang out at Eastside Tavern, be really close, and get free drinks from Skip. How we would watch West Wing together and you would have to explain everything to me. How we would make dinner for each other. How you would tell me you were cold, needed a shower, and invite me over to team shower, and we would until the hot water ran out? How we would watch movies in the bedroom, I would rub your back, we would make love so passionately, I would hold you, you would put your hands on my chest, then we would go to sleep, comfortably naked in each other's arms. You once told me if I hadn't done that certain thing before, that you would have to get all the women in the world together and erect a shrine to me. I don't mean to expose all these personal things about us, but rather to emphasize that those things were ours and ours alone. It seems easy for you because guys are generally the same, similar bodies, personalities, capabilities..................but you............you're one in a million. We once said how we had never met anyone like the other. It was so true in my eyes, you are the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, and affectionate person I've ever met, much less had the fortune of being in a relationship with. Me? I didn't match up to your expectations, I became less and less special as time went on, until you became tired of me. I'm sorry. I got too comfortable. I thought that we were committed, that I didn't have to show off to you anymore. I'm sorry if I came off as arrogant or judgmental, but it's strange, I get that way with people I feel really close and comfortable with, to have fun, to laugh and be friends enough to be able to do that with in the first place. I wish I could just dump all these thoughts and memories out of my head and make it easier on both of us, but I can't. It was too important to me. You are too important to me. Knowing how hard it is for me, it must be just as hard for you, and I don't understand why. Why are we doing this if it's so hard? It wouldn't be a sign of weakness if you didn't see this whole "clean break, moving on" thing through. How did you just decide one day (after we spent the weekend together and slept together), that you weren't into it anymore? I know you weren't completely sure, otherwise you wouldn't have shifted back and forth with wanting me to be around and not wanting me to be around. When we did break up, and I gave your things back, I saw you out and told you I loved you, then you told me you loved me. You never stopped loving me, you just had a busy schedule, couldn't be around as often, and wanted time to yourself. I can understand that, believe me. I've been there before. Upon reading your blogs in their entirety, I've come to realize that you and I are all too similar. You're happy, you're sad, you're self conscious and down on yourself, you really feel that your doing something great, you really feel that your responsible for something awful. It's so confused and disoriented , like I have been all summer. One thing really did jump out at me though. You're afraid. Constantly afraid. Happiness makes you nervous, and you're scared to death of someone loving you with all their heart, like me. Maybe someday you will let me love you again. You told me at the time of the separation that maybe your feelings will change one day, but for now this is how you feel. I told you I would wait. I will wait for as long as it takes. No matter how long, it will be worth it. You were always worth it. I am in love with you.