still

I realize now that it was not neediness, dependence, or loneliness that kept me coming to you. It was intrigue, love, and happiness. I loved you, that's what made me continue to want to see you, hear you, touch you. Much in the same way you were enamored with me and couldn't stop "showing up in my space". Sure, relationships are exciting at first, and that excitement CAN and WILL wear off eventually. That's just how it works. It is still exciting to me to constantly learn more and more about that person as you go on. You may get used to certain aspects of that person or of the relationship, but there is always more to discover..............in THAT person. You continue to stand by and watch relationships ache, wheeze, and bleed until they transform into that "demonic" state because you let them. If you don't jump into things, take it slower, and accept that person for who they are and what they do for you, they won't continue to end up like that. I would like to think that we never became "demonic". Regardless of whether or not relationships are your whole life, which they shouldn't be, they do require work. Obviously this is warranted when you have that excitement, love, trust, and affection from the get go. There were so many things we could've done to work through this. I am not saying that I have to be your one and only, but I would've thought that knowing what Renee had gone through, you would've been more sympathetic, rather than getting to the point to where you don't want to deal with it anymore. I am feeling just like she did. I am upset all the time and hate other couples. You have to think of that other person that you cared for so much. You are lucky to have that best friend to come home to every night, that blue room you love so much, and having your family conveniently close. I was once grouped into all of those things. I don't know if it was about my behavior sometimes, being too angry about some things or sad or uninterested in certain situations, but you should also be all too familiar with emotional problems as well. I understand that now, I know that I may have overreacted to some things or not appreciated some things as much as I should have, like your band banquet or your sister's wedding, but I was still very happy to have been there, despite not really knowing what was going on. I am seeking help now to try to help myself, and I would like it if you were there when I came out.

I let you force that one more part of you upon myself, and I am still here. I am sorry if I got in the way of your ambitions, or was overwhelming sometimes, but you once told me that you don't EVER want me to feel like I take 3rd place or so in your life, and now I feel like I am dead last.