numb

I am not myself. I have to take these things, otherwise I'll just be sad or angry again. When I take these, I am a different person. Everything that makes me Adam is still there.....only suppressed. I still think about her, yet cannot breakdown. I can feel that sadness, that longing, that anger at the situation, but nothing is allowed out. I feel that my normal self has been glazed over, and it has just been replaced with light-headedness and nausea. I can remember some things vividly. We went to Mojo's one night and she showed up a little later, came and stood next to me, and danced her head-down, bob from side to side dance. I remember her saying that she's "up for anything" and before Thanksgiving break, we had never really fooled around before, and she went down on me for the first time, her shadow was cast on the opposite wall of the light given off from the stereo, saying: "Give it to me". When I went down on her, I would do my thing, feeling her gyrations, listening to her moan, and once I had hit it, she would grab me, pull me up and say: "Make love to me!" I remember the way that she would ask me how I was doing while in bed, get me to smile, and say: "There it is". She loved it when I smiled. She used to always want me to drive places so it felt like a "real date", we would get into the car and not leave until we couldn't see our breath anymore. One of the last times I stayed over at her place, in the morning, she had already gotten up and brought me bacon, eggs, and coffee in bed. It was very sweet of her. I was leaving to go play frisbee golf with the guys one day, and she came by and had to grab me, and give me a big hug and kiss before I left, and yelled at them: "Now you can have him!" I would visit her in the theater between classes, she had a meeting or something, but before I left, she would give me a big kiss goodbye.

I saw her last night at Charles' birthday. I didn't think that she was going to be there, but she showed up later, and she looked great. I couldn't handle it. What is she doing to me?! She was there very briefly, as she has been doing lately......I don't think that she wants to be around me. I used to be there, I was sweet, caring, and tried to be the nicest guy I could. It is what she deserved for showing me all the same. We were in love, but I'm starting to wonder if she was ever in love with me at all.......it didn't feel like anything changed, but maybe that was it, maybe I didn't show her enough potential, enough of me. All I feel now is cold and emotionless............numb.